18 Things You Should Teach Your Baby.

1. Teach your baby to cook so your baby will be useful. Parenting is hard and it involves a lot of long days. Who wants to have to cook on top of all that?

2. Teach your baby how to sabotage others so it will know how to get ahead in the workplace. It’s never too early to help your baby get all the jobs.

3. Teach your baby that life is fleeting and nothing comes after this. Do you want a baby that thinks it can spend 80 years bullshitting with its friends down at the arcade because heaven is real and that’s where the action is? Of course not. Let it know that death is final.

4. Teach your baby to juggle. It gets people’s attention. Can come in handy when distracting attackers.

5. Teach your baby how to beg for someone to stay, even if that someone is wrong for your baby. Your baby won’t care about anything if that someone walks out that door.

6. Teach your baby how to find drug money. Tell it to look inside briefcases that are thrown out of moving cars that are being chased by the police.

7. Teach your baby where Florida is. Your baby can’t know how to avoid Florida if it doesn’t know where Florida is in the first place.

8. Teach your baby how to accumulate and use frequent flyer miles. Most adults don’t figure it out until they’re in their 40s, when it’s too late because they’re too tired and disenchanted with life to bother visiting far-off lands. Your baby can get the jump on everybody!

9. Teach your baby how to disappear in a hurry if it ever needs to. You never know when the heat's going to be coming around that corner. Your baby needs to be able to drop everything in 30 seconds and become invisible. Show it how to make a fake passport with materials lying around the home.

10. Teach your baby why there’s war and suffering in the world, and why some people have comfortable lives while others live in poverty. If you don’t know, you should turn your baby over to the custody of someone who does.

11. Teach your baby to floss every night, even when it’s too drunk and just wants to go to bed. Unless you want your baby to spend its life being scolded by dentists. Is that the life you want for your baby? Why?

12. Teach your baby about 9/11. Its friends at school will tell it eventually. Better to hear about it from you. You can include your own interpretation of the facts if you don’t agree with the 9/11 commission report. It’s your baby, you can tell it whatever you want.

13. Teach your baby not to do hard drugs. Not everyone can handle them.

14. Teach your baby which movies in the "Fast & Furious" franchise it can skip. No reason to make it sit through 2 Fast 2 Furious. But if you have a busy baby, it might also want to settle for the Wikipedia synopsis of Tokyo Drift.

15. Teach your baby how to talk politely to restaurant servers. It’s the difference between having a delicious meal, and a delicious meal that’s probably been soiled in some manner.

16. Teach your baby how to win the lotto. You want a rich baby right?

17. Teach your baby how to meet people at protest rallies. Just give it a few good lines like, “So you are against this injustice too?”

18. Teach your baby how to read. It comes in handy more often than you think!