the last long, repetitive, useless, unread letter I will waste my time on for you.

It’s not you-it’s me. I actually thank you.

This is the last time I will EVER write, think, or worry about you. This is the LAST TIME I will EVER mention or EVER THINK ABOUT you again. My time is worth so much more and I shouldn't even be wasting my time on this. If you knew me, you knew this was coming. But it’s hard to see someone else when you’re so busy making love to the person in the mirror.

Thank you.

I’d be lying if I told anyone I had not been waiting on you. Waiting for you to change, waiting for you to realize what you’ve done…..waiting for you to come back and love me. Deep down I knew I was. I tried not to. But I couldn’t make that hope disappear. I’ve been healing, all except that tiny piece that was holding on.

My thoughts would go from anger and hurt, to understanding and love. “It’s not his fault he’s so cruel to me because he’s fighting his own demons and so his anger has nothing to do with me. He’ll open his eyes and see the connection we have.”      [insert laughter] Thank you.

Our connection. Fuck me that’s what makes this so hard. No matter how hard I hurt or how unconcerned you ever were with me-we had a connection that drew us to each other. 

I know,I know--It makes no sense to read, it makes no sense to write, and it makes even less sense to live. Somehow though-no matter how much hurt there was between us or how much time had passed since we last touched….all of it melted with that first glance at each other. For the blissful amount of time we spent together after that-it was just us and no one else. We were so in tune with each other and knew how to move together, it was as if the world didn’t exist around us.

Or so I thought.

It's not you-it's me.

I know now that no matter the amount of understanding I show you,

Or how much I love you,

Or how much I try being what you want,

Or how many times I let you come and go-

None [NONE] of it would EVER matter.

As broken as you may be, or as angry as you might feel – I had nothing to do with it and IT IS NOT MY PLACE TO TRY AND FIX YOU. [release of biggest ahh haa moment EVER] holy shit that just happened.

It is not my place to try and fix you. It is not my place to try and fix you. It is not my place to try and fix you.  I seriously feel like I can stand up straighter. It took a song, a text, and a blog post (oh and 10 years) to finally hit that point. I mean- I feel like I should be giving an acceptance speech or something. Wow. Thank you.

It’s not you-it’s me

I’m GOLDEN without you.

“The fire used to burn, all the words used to hurt
But you're not like us, you are different
I couldn't see that that was a compliment
Cause the last thing I want now is to be you
And the flames don't feel as hot as they use to

Cause I'm not weak, I'm not broken I am bold
And the fire you put me through turned me into gold
I'm not done, I'm no loser
Watch me take on my bright future
Tonight I'm no bronze I'm no silver
You'll be thinking, damn I knew her
But you didn't
Don't get it twisted

Out of the ashes you buried me in
I am golden 

 You tried so hard to break me down
Like a fire-breathing dragon, but I guess I took your crown
You pushed for me to change for you
But I'm so glad that I stayed true to who I am

  The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am
All the things that you said I couldn't do
Guess what, Yes I can”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This post was going to be longer-but I am too…I can’t even find the words.

This AhhHaa Moment Award is heavy, so I have to go find a place on my mantle. If I had been forced to wrie an acceptance speech, it might have gone a little something like this :

“First, I want to thank God for believing I was strong enough for that lesson and for not letting me break apart completely when I wanted to just disappear. I thank God for not answering some of my prayers. 

I want to thank the people who listened to me bitch over and over again about the same bullshit. I thank you all for telling me I deserved better, and thank you for the love you gave. I also want to thank the people who decided to stop listening when they did because your decisions showed me that I can overcome life altering situations by myself. Your absence actually showed me the strength I held inside, it showed me that loneliness does not kill you.  I want to thank my girl in Colorado for sending me, what seems to be, the perfect song at the perfect moment. You lent me your ear, you bitched me out, then had my back. You rock. I thank my girl in Florida who unknowingly became a guideline to some major interactions. Remember WWJD? Well-mine is WWCD. Would she answer this phone call? Would she respond to that text? Would she think this red flag is shiny and pretty? Would she think that [insert stupid idea] is a good idea? 

Through all of this I’ve learned so much. I’m very tolerant and understanding. I love faithfully and fully. I will do anything to help your heart feel better again. I can take a lot of bullshit before I finally can't anymore. I can build things. I know how to use most tools. Most triumphantly though-I can now look at my daughter and answer her without a single tear in my eye…’no baby, he’s not coming back, yes baby-you can squish the daddy bug..’  Last but certainly not least-I want to thank the guy who brought all of  this personal growth to the surface. If it wasn’t for you treating me like I was nothing, or hiding everything about yourself, OR for telling me nothing but lies…..I wouldn’t know just how strong I was. If it wasn’t for your continued abuse, I wouldn’t know that I can turn myself inside out for someone, and live to tell about it. You ignored me to the point of disappearance. You lied to me to the point of insanity. You used me to the point of abuse. You withheld so much of yourself, that I sometimes questioned your existence. I can count on ONE hand the number of times you told me the truth AND gave me a compliment.  I should be slapped. Thank you for being the awful, cold hearted person you were towards me because you forced the hidden demons (and in turn-strength) to come to the surface. ANYWAY—thank you to everyone who was there, who left, and who actually read this whole stupid thing. I love you, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. LORRAINE-OUT.”

**drops the computer mouse**

disclaimer:

Just so we’re clear here and understand each other-

Ted-if you have found this letter, IT IS TO YOU. It is not about any other made up situation or person that you decide to create. This was written to YOU. In summary it says: (1) thanks for all the fake love you showed me throughout the entire time I knew you and (2) later bro.

 I wish you………..I wish you a life that you want and I don’t have to hear about.

Up until TODAY I wouldn’t have finished this letter without telling you my normal goodbye:

“You gave me my smile back, and for that I am eternally grateful. You are my happy place and I love you always. I hope you find whatever it is in life that makes you smile because it’s a beautiful smile  You have always and will always be MY TEDOW. I love you. Always Always. Promise Promise.”

Until today.

When my ahh haa moment slapped me.

When I accepted the truth.

When I decided I wouldn't let you burn me anymore. 

When I finally let that last piece go.

It's not me-it's you. 

"for that reason ( and many many others)-I'm out."

Later bro.