Unnoticed Absence in the Silence

It's heartbreaking for me to think about all the milestones we've missed.

I've hated not having someone to call when I needed to hear a voice besides my own. I've hated not having someone to validate my hilariousness. I've hated not having a mom friend to enjoy wine dates with. Play dates. I mean play dates. 

We have all been growing, but I wouldn't recognize you if I saw you. 

I feel as though I have always been difficult to love, and the absence of our once strong bond, reiterates the tolerated vibe I've always felt. 

I thought by now things would be back to normal. I thought by now I'd have my matching souls back. Sadly, when my laughter stopped, yours carried on, if not getting stronger without me. I was.....easily forgotten. 

Maybe I've done something in my lifetime that merits the lack of your friendship. Maybe I am meant to go forward without my team, without an ear to listen, without a sarcastic joke validater. Maybe loneliness is my lot in like. Self conversations. Self laughter. Self explanations.

Or-

Maybe I've used up my allotted amount of happiness. I was only allowed so much- and I've used it all up. I had matching hearts for mine. I had silent conversations that spoke volumes. I had complete understanding without one explanation. I once had a small but gigantic group.
I once had them. I once had him. 

I have been compared to an iceberg before. Several times actually. I was told it's because I do not openly share myself with anyone. I only show the world 10% of who I truly am, and hide the rest. 

I've been thinking it's true. And I've been thinking it's what gives me those feelings of abandonment. Of my closets, most cherished relationships, several have walked away, one has died, and the others are too busy with life to include me in theirs. 

I have lost more people than I ever thought I would, but to lose you two.....makes me feel like a complete failure. I have somehow managed to become an unnoticed absence in their lives. 

I'm too damn old and way to weird to start over. I hope my kid thinks I'm funny.